The Science Experiment

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Coke-Sponsored Rover Finds Evidence Of Dasani On Mars

Scientists outline theories behind NCAA picks

In the upcoming scientific journal Nature, TSE scientists discuss in depth the theories and calculations that guided their NCAA tournament bracket selections. Their theories are predicated upon seemingly unimportant details such as campus size, gym temperature, and school rivalaries. Teams of volunteers and a handful of 443tx robots were necessary to sufficiently cover the breadth of the data collection.

Parkway Mac labs was solicited (initially without agreement) to provide the unique technology to process the raw data. Their so called “blue collar” scientists oversaw the processing of the eclectic set of variables such as jersey color, rebound to slam dunk ratio, sneaker sponsor, number of black players, average age of player, cheerleader ratings, three point percentage, pyramid height, and free throw ability. The results of the three month long scientific expedition can be viewed at scientificNCAApicks.com. It is noted in the conclusion that the scientists were requested to withhold their results until moments prior to the start of the tournament to avoid the likely scenario where amassive amounts of capital ventures are initiated predicated on their findings. Having declared midway through experiment that scientific freedom was to be considered the uttermost priority it is highly doubtful that the TSE scientists gave the request any heeding. “It is only coincidence”, the lead scientist proclaimed convincingly at the heavily attended Doubletree reception, “that our thesis was delivered twenty minutes before the first tipoff. “

Donna Baker of La Mesa never dreamed she would have to teach her dog Alexander to sit. Or rollerover for that matter. But that’s exactly what she found herself doing with her seeing eye K-nine. Alexander, it appears, is one of many seeing eye dogs not measuring up to industry standards.

Creationists Discover a 5,000 Year Old T-Rex Skeleton

TULSA, OK—In a major coup for the growing field of creation science, the perfectly preserved remains of a 5,000-year-old Tyrannosaurus Rex were delivered Monday to Tulsa’s Creationist Museum of Natural History.

Methuselah stands on display at the Creationist Museum of Natural History.

“The Good Lord has, in His benevolence, led us to an important breakthrough for scientific inquiry,” Creationist Museum of Natural History curator Dr. Elijah Gill said. “Our museum has many valuable and exciting exhibits that testify to Creation and shine light on the Lord’s divine plan. But none have been as exciting—or anywhere near as old—as this new T. Rex specimen named ‘Methuselah.’ This skeleton, which dates back to roughly 3,000 B.C., offers the most compelling proof yet that the Earth was made by God roughly 10,000 years ago.”

Added Gill: “It’s awe-inspiring to gaze on something that actually lived here on Earth, so very many years ago.”

Methuselah was discovered last summer in northern Turkey by a team of Oral Roberts University archaeologists, who were on a dig searching for the Tower of Babel. According to Gill, the skeleton, which stands nearly 20 feet tall, possesses terrifying, razor-sharp teeth and claws, confirming that it was an evil beast in league with Satan, the Great Deceiver.

Using advanced dating processes from the cutting edge of biblical paleontology, the Oral Roberts team determined that Methuselah lived during the late Antediluvian period, or “The Age of the Dinosaurs.” They said the pristine condition of the find strongly suggests that it perished in the Great Flood, fossilizing quickly and thoroughly due to the tremendous water pressure during the event.

“It was a truly majestic beast,” said Gill, gazing up at the massive skeleton. “One almost has to mourn that there was no room for it on the Ark.”

Gill called the discovery “a powerfully compelling refutation” of secular scientists’ long-held assertion that dinosaurs lived on Earth millions of years before humans.

“The fact that no human remains were found anywhere in the vicinity of the site of the skeleton serves as proof of the tyrannosaur’s ferocity and huge appetite,” Gill said.

“At most,” he added, “tyrannosaurs existed a few days before the first humans, given that the birds and the beasts were created early in the week, and Adam and Eve were made on the sixth day.”

Founded in 1874, the Creationist Museum of Natural History has amassed a collection of thousands of exhibits from around the world demonstrating that the Earth was made by the hand of a Divine Creator over the course of a week, roughly 10,000 years ago. Among its most prized exhibits are a trilobite believed to have lived during the Jewish Exodus and a stunning specimen of “Java Gibbon.”

Methuselah has caused such a stir that even supporters of evolutionary science have found themselves caught up in “T. Rex Fever.” Christopher Eldridge, director of New York’s Museum of Natural History, raved that the acquisition was “absolutely inconceivable” and “not to be believed.” Dr. Harmon Briggs, a Smithsonian Institution paleobiologist, gushed in a phone interview that the discovery of the 5,000-year-old beast was “mind-boggling” and “in defiance of all the human senses.”

Said Gill: “I have even received an exciting letter from a paleontologist at UCLA asserting that Methuselah could be even older than 5,000 years. Who knows, it might even date back to the Sixth Day of Creation.”

The T. Rex skeleton will be on public display at the museum beginning Feb. 3. Conversions will be performed every two hours at the museum’s baptismal font, located in the Apologetics wing.

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Astronaut Returns From Space Walk Reeking Of Booze

Mars Rover Beginning To Hate Mars

Unmanned Vehicle ‘Bored Out Of Its Mind’

PASADENA, CA—NASA Jet Propulsion Laboratory scientists overseeing the ongoing Mars Exploration Rover Mission said Monday that the Spirit’s latest transmissions could indicate a growing resentment of the Red Planet.

Enlarge Image Spirit completes a diagram of an erect human penis on the planet’s dusty surface.

“Spirit has been displaying some anomalous behavior,” said Project Manager John Callas, who noted the rover’s unsuccessful attempts to flip itself over and otherwise damage its scientific instruments. “And the thousand or so daily messages of ‘STILL NO WATER’ really point to a crisis of purpose.”

The “robot geologist,” as NASA describes Spirit, has been operating independently for over 990 Martian sols—nearly the equivalent of three Earth years. However, scientists estimate that, in recent weeks, Spirit has been functioning on the level of a rover who has been on Mars for approximately 6,160 sols.

According to Callas, Spirit was operating normally until the onset of the Martian winter, whose shorter days and frigid temperatures typically mean a slower pace for exploratory rovers. “We began getting the occasional transmission along the lines of ‘ANOTHER SOIL SAMPLE OF THE EXACT SAME COMPOSITION AS THE LAST ONE,’” Callas said. “Most of the time, she’d power down and not transmit much of anything, which, at the time, didn’t particularly concern us.”

But as the winter lingered, Spirit began producing thousands of pages of sometimes rambling and dubious data, ranging from complaints that the Martian surface was made up almost entirely of the same basalt, to long-winded rants questioning the exorbitant cost and scientific relevance of the mission.

Enlarge Image Project leaders receive data from the Mars rover Spirit.

“Granted, Spirit has been extraordinarily useful to our work,” Callas said. “Last week, however, we received three straight days of images of the same rock with the message ‘HAPPY NOW?’”

Mission Project Scientist Bruce Banerdt said that Spirit will often roll down Gusev crater and up the opposite side for no apparent reason, missing “countless” potential opportunities for scientific discovery.

“Once, when we radioed her to please leave the lecturing and hypothesis-making to the mission project team, she responded by forming her robotic arm into an obscene gesture,” Banerdt said. “That arm contains a state-of-the-art spectrometer meant to provide crucial mineralogy data.”

Project organizers said the most distressing instance of erratic behavior occurred last week, when images from the Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter revealed that Spirit had scrawled the message ‘FUCK MARS’ in the thick, iron oxide dust that gives the planet its characteristic red color.

“The orbiting Mars Odyssey has cut off transmissions from Spirit, which seems to envy the craft’s ability to fly freely around in space,” Banerdt said. “Similarly, data suggests Spirit is convinced that [sister rover] Opportunity has found water and isn’t telling anyone.”

Despite these malfunctions, mission leaders remain optimistic that the rover will eventually return to full working order.

“Hopefully these malfunctions will straighten themselves out,” Callas said. “In the meantime, we’ll simply have to try to glean what usable data we can from ‘OVERPRICED SPACE-ROOMBA AWAITING MORE BULLSHIT ORDERS.’”

NASA remains optimistic that the rover will remain at least partially operational for the foreseeable future. However, because of the Spirit’s recent proclivity toward ramming into boulders at full speed, scientists have remotely disabled its 1.5-pound rock-abrasion tool so the rover is unable to terminate the mission prematurely

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ–The act of swallowing will soon be easier for millions of food-shoveling Americans, thanks to QX-1, a revolutionary new high-viscosity/low-friction mayonnaise developed by scientists at Hellmann’s.

Enlarge Image 1. QX-1 applied to food, reducing frictional coefficient and aiding consumption 2. Long-chain mayocules form thin protective lubricant on esophagus, increasing food-intake efficiency and preventing seizing and choking 3. Synthetic additives fight sludge buildup and reduce toxic emissions

The mayonnaise, which received FDA approval Monday and is set to hit the nation’s shelves early next month, utilizes special lubricant additives and anti-breakdown agents to help keep America’s high-intake gullets running smoothly and efficiently.

“Americans’ high-load, high-capacity eating puts a tremendous amount of stress on the alimentary canal,” Hellmann’s mayochemical engineer Gerald Lund said. “Often, when the canal is overtaxed, it can ’seize up,’ resulting in choking and, in some cases, total eater breakdown. QX-1 was formulated with today’s harder-working ingestion in mind.”

According to Lund, QX-1 smooths food intake by forming a protective barrier between typical fist-sized food chunks and the delicate moving parts of digestive tracts, enabling American eaters to wolf down food at a rate long believed prohibitively dangerous.

“Americans equipped with QX-1 will able to eat longer, faster and harder,” Lund said. “When you’re absolutely stuffed, but you’ve got to somehow cram that last turkey leg into your food-packed maw, cover it with a generous coat of QX-1. QX-1 gives you the edge you need.”

Before ingesting extra-large food items, Lund recommended that eaters also squeeze a liberal amount of QX-1 down their throats.

Enlarge Image Selma, AL, eater Barb Hodges swallows a chicken drumstick with the aid of Hellmann’s QX-1.

“In laboratory tests conducted by Hellmann’s scientists, test eaters whose throats were pre-coated with QX-1 were able to accommodate chocolate eclairs with a diameter 150 percent greater than that of their esophagi,” Lund said. “Even more impressive, because QX-1’s compound polymayonic structure can withstand an extremely high gradient of temperature and pressure, test eaters were able to swallow entire unmasticated six-pound pork roasts straight out of the oven.”

“In another test,” Lund said, “we filled a dozen two-gallon-capacity bowls with delicious tuna salad, one made with QX-1 mayonnaise and the other 11 with competing low-viscosity brands. We then gave 12 hungry Americans large ladles and directed them to begin eating the tuna salad without chewing, just as they would at home. All the eaters seized up and suffered internal stress breakdowns after 30 seconds, with the exception of the QX-1 user, who was still shoveling it in 15 minutes later. That’s high-performance mayo.”

In addition to facilitating the intake of food, QX-1 aids in its outtake, helping food slide through the intestines and out the rectum as easily as it entered. And QX-1’s specially formulated synthetic lubricants coat the walls of the stomach, promoting clean burning and reducing toxic emissions.

“What’s more,” Lund said, “QX-1 helps carry away the harmful particles–such as sesame seeds, chicken bones and plastic-fork tines–that can cause major wear and tear on heavy-duty eaters.”

Hellmann’s officials said the new product was developed in response to the nation’s dwindling Chews-Per-Bite Ratio.

“Twenty years ago, the typical American chewed his food 30 times before swallowing,” Hellmann’s vice-president of product development Christopher McCue said. “Since then, the average number of chews per bite has fallen to a mere 2.6. Our projections indicate that by 2010, chewing will disappear altogether. Clearly, a product had to be developed to address this.”

QX-1 is earning raves from gluttons across the U.S. “Before, I could barely eat four chili cheese dogs in a single sitting,” said 377-pound Dennis Luedtke of Phoenix, one of 25 test markets for the new product. “But with Hellmann’s QX-1, I can easily ram down eight.”

“From barbecued ribs to fried funnel cakes, I never stuff my face without first slathering Hellmann’s QX-1 high-viscosity mayo all down my gullet,” said Johnson City, TN, eater JoAnne Durbin, enjoying a mayonnaise-covered steak burrito. “And the patented E-Z Pour spout makes it easy to hit those hard-to-reach spots behind the tongue. QX-1 is the brand I trust for all my gorging needs.”